Brittany's Birthday

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. I'm not able to share it with her today. I did get to do that last week. When her mother was pregnant with her, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to raise a child. I was terrified, excited, and hoping we'd have a boy. When Brittany was born, my world changed, as does everyone's when a child comes into the world. I was faced with raising a daughter and I was even more terrified and excited. I suddenly forgot what life was like without her. It wasn't an easy transition due to how scared I was, but I never wished that she didn't exist. She became my world.

When Brittany was born, she came out head first with a little help. She was our coneheaded baby for a while. She had a head full of hair. We were finally able to take her home, only to have to bring her right back to the hospital due to some jaundice. It wasn't anything major, but to first time parents, it's really hard to have to take your child right back. I worked nights at the donut shop and slept the day in the hospital until we were able to take her home the second time.

Brittany was a real crier. It seemed to me that she cried constantly. I had to leave the room sometimes after doing everything I knew how to do and I would end up crying, too, sometimes. At first, I mostly got angry. I couldn't figure out why this little girl was crying so much. When you aren't used to the sound, it's maddening. It truly is the most annoying sound in the world.

I have a confession to make. One day I got so angry that I lightly shook her car seat/carrier. It wasn't violent, but I did feel as though my head was going to explode and it took great self restraint to make it a light shake. My wife spoke to me in the harshest tone I had ever heard from her and told me to cut it out. Something in my head went calm when she spoke and I never did it again. I had never done it before. It freaked me out that I could have suddenly become "that guy". I hated myself for it. I hated the crying. It's one thing when you know how to stop it, but I didn't. It terrified me. I really wasn't as ready as I hoped I'd be.

Brittany doesn't cry so much anymore. She is still very sensitive and I have grown to love that about her, even if I have to tell her not to get carried away by it. In many ways, we share that same sensitive spirit. There are days I still cry, too.

I love Brittany so much. I remember her first birthday in her little pink swimsuit and how we had her eat her cake while wearing it in her high chair. She had her own little white cake with frosting and made such a wonderful mess of it. I remember her first day of school, too. She was a bit nervous about it, but did very well. She excelled in school and during pre-school got a "computer license". As a computer technician, I am so proud of that. Brittany has grown into such a wonderful young lady over the last 10 years.

I know that the divorce was very hard on Brittany. After Paige was born, Brittany and I probably grew a bit apart. There was a new baby that needed attention and I honestly didn't have a lot of patience for many of the things kids do. Since I was the one home during the day, I'm sure Brittany grew to see me as the discipline dad. She didn't need a lot of it, but when you have little sleep and there is a new baby in the house on a schedule, it can make you a bit short. Patience has never been one of my strong points, but it is something I have learned over recent years.

When the divorce was going on, I saw the girls about as often as I do now; every other week. We had a lot of fun on our weekends, but when I took them to the sitter's house for their mother to pick them up the next morning, it was very difficult. Brittany, Paige, and I would cry like babies. I tried not to, but it was hard. It would have been easier if I was able to take them directly to their mother, but her schedule was not a good one then. After the divorce was final, I had a friend that would make the ride with me and she would make sure to let me get things out of my system most of the hour and a half ride back. I used that time to cry like a baby some more and spent a lot of time in prayer. I hate only being able to see my kids every other weekend.

It's hard when you don't get to be there through the day to day things. It's hard to miss all the little things that my parents were there for me through. I just want to get better seats in watching them grow up and I want to have more influence.
I can't imagine life without my children. I love Brittany and Paige and they are the reason I live. Brittany is a decade old and Paige turns lucky number 7 next month. As long as I have their love, I have all I need.