Rainbow Child

"If I saw your face,
Would I hold you or destroy you?
Maybe just ignore you?
It's true.
It's true.
With you
It's true.

Now you're gone and I'm back down to one.

Can't you see I'm so far down I'm hearing Chinese sounds?"

- Jani Lane "Back Down To One"

I've wanted to post this for a while, but have been thinking about how to put it. My quest here is for honesty. Sometimes being honest isn't nice, pretty, or fair and it can take a lot out of you to be honest. It can also hurt other people if they stumble upon it. I'm going to be honest, though.

I'm a firm believer in the institution of marriage, but after 6 years and two awesome daughters, mine ended. I don't believe in divorce, except in the instance of infidelity, which didn't happen in my marriage as far as I know. My heart was broken and it has changed me.

It's been since before Thanksgiving of last year that I was in anything resembling a relationship. Yes, that means it's "been a while". There isn't anything wrong with that, but it does make one wonder if something is wrong with him/her when it's been that long. Yes, there are things wrong with me, but I don't think it's just that.

In March of 2001, I officially started a relationship with someone many years my junior. This girl babysat my kids on one occasion during when I was married and the only contact I had with her other than that was when she would come into the local grocery store I worked at to talk. Since she is quite a bit younger I didn't think about her "that way", but I did mention her to a couple of guys that worked for me thinking they may be interested. She was great looking, very polite, and kind but apparently they knew her better and declined. She had asked for my phone number so we could keep in touch when I moved after my divorce, but she never called and I really didn't expect her to.

Several months later she stopped in the store I was working at in Des Moines and we struck up our friendship again. She called to let me know she was going to be in town in a few weeks and we could visit more then. The more we talked, the more I did start to think of her as potential for more than friendship, but her age just kept undoing that in my mind.

One day, on my way back from taking my kids home, I decided to take her up on an invitation and swing by her home. She lived with her parents in the dingiest home I've ever walked into. It was dirty, disgusting, filthy, and I was surprised it hadn't been condemned. I sat down and visited with her parents about my computer work and she kept trying to get my attention by modeling a dress, bending over in tight jeans, and about anything else she could do to flirt. Her parents were wise to this and even mentioned it seemed she was putting on a show. It was then that I made a comment about her age and made it clear that she was a good friend. I really wasn't thinking much more than that until my trip home from there. What a battle in my brain! She called later that evening and I told her I'd given it some thought, but really wasn't sure I wanted to pursue this. Several days later I relented, we talked about the possibility, and I actually asked her out. Since she was going to be in Des Moines shortly after that, we made some tentative plans.

Our first official date was "wild". What do I mean by that? Well, it was charged with a certain type of energy. With all that tension we still stopped short of crossing the finish line that night. (The details would probably be better suited to a different setting.) I still wasn't sure about it but it didn't take long until I just took the plunge headlong into this relationship. We dated for a couple months with me traveling back and forth on the weekends I had my kids, but I kept the relationship from them as it was just too soon to introduce them to someone new.

On Mother's Day weekend, I was very tired and really didn't want to make an extra trip back to Mt. Ayr. LLKA's (what I will call her from now on) mom was very upset, but said she could stay in Des Moines with me, but only on the condition that she had to moved in with me. I thought it was just plain weird and looking back I should have seen it as a clue of what was to come. Fortunately, her mom recanted on that idea, but it still seemed strange and LLKA did end up sort of moving in with me. It was awkward since I hadn't really shared this with my roommate and it was still easier instead of making extra trips constantly. She would go to her mom's on my way to Mt. Ayr and I'd pick her up on the way back after my weekend with my girls. The really tough part was that I worked days at one job and nights at another one. I was worn out a lot and she was stuck in my small room most of the time playing on the computer, writing me letters, listening to music, and watching TV. She didn't get out much except when I was home and able to go out. I know it was rough on both of us during that short time. Because of this, it wasn't long after she moved in that I knew I had to quit the night job. It paid more, but I'm not a night worker and it was also taking a toll on my time with my kids who I had decided to introduce to LLKA at this time. The day job was offering full time so I took that hoping to bring about some relief.

Not long after that, I was able to get LLKA hired on at the retail store I worked at. She loved the work, the people, and really did a great job. The job was great for her. She won some small awards and really surprised herself at what she could do. I was proud of her and was hoping she'd be able to make enough to spend on getting herself a car, a driver's license, and a GED, because she had dropped out of high school before she finished her sophomore year. As polite and kind as she was, there were times her lack of education shone through, but I chalked it up to her upbringing in a home where putting the bills in other people's names and not having a job was normal. Because of this and the fact that her parents started divorce proceedings while we were dating, I should have been aware of what would likely happen. Instead, I chose to be hopeful that she was young enough to mature and break the cycle in her family.

After a short time, I got a promotion and moved to the other store in town. She followed. This store was much bigger and while it was tough for me to excel, I did. She was now a big fish in an even bigger pond. She had supervisors that weren't impressed due to her lack of education, no matter how well she did. She got bumped from one department to another and it got worse fast.

My roommate was getting serious with his girlfriend and asked if I could fine another place in about 6 weeks. That was plenty of time, but since I worked days, it was extremely difficult. Thankfully, LLKA went into action calling around and finally found us a place on the same side of town we worked on. This was great since we had two incomes with my full time and her part time work. It was also fine with transportation since I had two cars and we were able to work at the same store.

Not long after we got moved in, she had some struggles at work and she decided to quit without talking to me first. Fortunately, I came by the office while she was there discussing this move with the manager and I was called in. He had her explain things to me before she actually signed the resignation papers and I had to agree with my boss that since she was struggling she had a choice to make. Either step up or quit. She surprised me by choosing to quit. Yet another sign that this wasn't going to work.

The following weeks the house looked great and she would be in a great mood, but she didn't do any job hunting. We lived near an intersection where plenty of jobs were available. I had to actually take her to find a job on my day off and she got two interviews after 6 applications had been filled out that day. It was really that easy to find work and find it close to home, which was good since we were down to one vehicle anyway. She had the gall to say that since she was keeping the apartment clean (an easy feat since I'm a neat person) that it should be no big deal for me to be the only one working. The thing is that the math didn't add up for us to be living there with only one income.

One Saturday evening, I had a friend over and was finishing up some work on his computer. LLKA had received a phone call earlier that day that her favorite uncle had gone into the hospital. She had wanted to go visit, but with my work schedule and having my kids that weekend, we had to wait until Sunday morning for her to go for a visit. This didn't sit well with LLKA and she started trying to find other ways to get up to the hospital. She had apparently tried to get a friend to give her a ride up to the hospital and that friend refused. When LLKA gets something in her head, she doesn't listen to reason and has to get her way. She got angry with this friend and it translated into an angry attitude that evening. It was way past visiting hours when this friend was over and she was still trying to find a way to the hospital. I was trying to finish up with my friend and send him home and then was going to put my kids to bed, but she was making a scene about not going to see her uncle. I sent her back to our room and asked her to give me a minute and I'd be back to talk to her. I went to the bedroom and tried reasoning with her. She was still ready to go even though it was too late. I stepped in front of her three times to stop her and let her know how much I cared about her. This really wasn't the time or place for her to be acting this way. She eventually walked by and I told her to stay gone. I'd had enough of this childish attitude and didn't want it to ruin my evening while I had a friend over and my kids were still up. She figured she could mooch off of me and not work and I can't be in a relationship like that. She worked a little over 3 months total the entire 10 month relationship. She was gone that Saturday night.

The next day LLKA stopped by. We cried, apologized, and I thought everything was going to be ok. Even my kids drew her some pictures and hugged her, too. Turns out she had a guy waiting at a bowling alley she wanted me to drop her at. She'd planned overnight (at least I think it was overnight) to move to Illinois with this guy. She left for about a year, but kept in touch telling me how she had gotten married and pregnant. Both lies. She also went through a period of talking about coming back to Iowa until her boyfriend found out. She had no way of getting home to Iowa unless he drove her so she was pretty much stuck there until he finally got tired of her, broke up with her, and brought her back to Iowa. She stopped in the store I worked at upon her return and she looked horrible. She'd put on weight and cut off her gorgeous hair. She lost most of the weight quickly and started growing her hair out again. She contacted me again to inquire about getting back together even though she was living with some guy who was almost retirement age in some dinky, dingy house in NE Missouri. Even so, I felt sorry for her and brought her back to Des Moines.

She made an agreement to pay rent and was at the apartment for about 6 weeks and then took off again. She'd leave, regret that she was with some guy, and then come crying back to me only to leave again after a week to a month. Of course, I let her come back each time. It was like this right up until Thanksgiving of last year. She did get a couple of different jobs while she was here, but I think the longest lasted 2 weeks and the last time was the last straw. I knew it was going to happen no matter what promises she was making. She's just that way. Not long afterward, I found out that she had an STD and was pregnant.

Last I heard LLKA had a baby in May and was unhappy again. Her mom contacted me a couple of weeks ago and let me know they were moving back to the house they were living in when LLKA and I first started dating. I didn't even ask about LLKA, but her mother told me that LLKA was very unhappy with the decisions she had made. I told her mom that I'd heard it all before and wasn't surprised and didn't pursue asking anything at all about her. I quickly ended the conversation and got off the phone after I reminded LLKA's mom that my early New Year's resolution last year was "no more LLKA". I've kept that resolution and I'm proud of it.

I'm not sure why I'm attracted to this type of girl. LLKA was someone I thought I could rescue, I guess. There were some great times - times I won't ever forget, but the stupidity outweighs it all. I was stupid for taking her back several times, believing her regrets and promises, and I was stupid for allowing myself to be used that way. She was stupid, too. She grew up knowing no other way. She saw a bad marriage in her parents. She saw unfaithfulness in them and her older sister. She hasn't seen any of them keep a job. She believed that having a baby would make her life better. Unfortunately, the child will end up being raised in the same way she was. Instead of seeing her potential and using it, she ended up worthless to society and a complete waste of a life. I pity LLKA. That's about all I can muster.

As for me, I'm still surviving, but at the same time missing being in a relationship and its benefits. Until I find the right person, though, I will continue to make due because I'm not in a hurry.

"There's gotta be a girl waiting halfway 'round the world."
- Dan Reed Network